Catching up...

So there's been lots that's gone down...

O is 3 1/2 months old, and is starting to develop his personality - it's finally starting to be fun and feel somewhat rewarding. I still don't think I'll ever do this whole "having a baby" thing again, but I'm starting to see why people say having kids is so worth it.

O is SUPER social, and SUPER verbal. People jokingly wonder where he got that from (me)... When he is talking/jabbering to me and we have a "conversation", and when he givces me those huge, toothless grins even I have to admit that this is pretty damn cool.

Being a parent is totally crazy. I don't feel like a "m-o-m"... I feel like someone who just happened to have a baby. It's nice to go to work and feel like a multi-dimensional person, as opposed to feeling like I'm only a parent.

I don't mean to disparage parenthood, or people that choose to be stay-at-home parents, I just recognize that I could never do that. I do think the meds have helped a lot.

Before O was born, I had a friend tell me that being a parent was the most bittersweet thing she'd ever done/experienced. I wholeheartedly agree. It is totally bittersweet.

Sleep? HA.

I think one of the hardest things about a newborn is the sleep deprivation. Sure, I knew it would be hard but I didn't realize how awful it would be. I totally get why it's used as a torture technique. I would totally crumble right now...wait, I sort of already am.

People tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, which is great advice if the baby will sleep without having to be bounced or moved to keep sleeping. Gah. We discovered on Sunday afternoon that the baby really only likes to bounce. So we broke down and ordered a bouncy chair. Not just any bouncy chair, a super expensive one that's completely devoid of batteries or fancy breakable parts - it bounces with the baby's movements. So far he seems to like it, and it sleeping it in now, but I'm making it bounce with my foot, which means I can't sleep right now. Sigh.

No, there isn't enough caffeine.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

So as it turns out I do, in fact, have postpartum depression. I started meds yesterday and will be seeing a therapist on Friday. I will be going to a few support groups. I'm supposed to get someone to come be with me during the day, but don't really know anyone who isn't working or that I know well enough to say "hey, wanna' hang with the depressed chick?" and don't really want to pay a doula.

So there it is.

Blue blue blue

So I think I'm one of those lucky ones who've hit the postpartum depression lottery jackpot. I'll know for sure tomorrow, as I'm seeing the doctor.

All I know is:

(1) what they call "the baby blues" is only supposed to last for a week and my baby will be 6 weeks old on Friday;
(2) now that all the extra family members have gone home I feel even more depressed;
(3) it's not normal to have involuntary fantasies of violent things happening to my baby;
(4) I kind of wish a fairy godmother would show up and make it all go away; and
(5) I miss work, although I'm not at all emotionally prepared to have a long day with a commute and nights of no sleep all mixed together, and plus I have nothing to wear yet because while I can't fit into pre-pregnancy clothes, maternity clothes look ridiculous on me. It totally sucks.

I don't think this is normal to feel this way.

This afternoon I had to go to the store to pick up diapers and a few things (pads - did you know you can't have any "vaginal penetration" for 6 weeks? So no tampons) and I was walking down the baking aisle. This man who looked old enough to be retired was standing in front of the condensed milk part and asked me "do you know if any of these have evaporated milk?" I said "um, I don't know". He said "YOU DON'T KNOW?!? YOU DON'T KNOW?!?" As if how could I possibly not know that, I had a baby in a carseat in my car, obviously I am nothing more than a housewife and I should know this. I told him he should ask a someone who works there, but what I really wanted was to shout at him to go fuck himself. I think I'm a little touchy.

And I can't get enough sleep. Speaking of which, I'm cutting into sleeping time by writing this. Yet I have a hunch that writing should eventually help me feel beter, so it's a double-edged sword. Sigh.

Here: your one-way, nonrefundable ticket to Motherhood.

And so I'm a mom. Talk about crazy. And just like that the small tyrant calls (screams) and I have to go.

Sigh.